We come across many descriptions and analyses about so-called toxic individuals, people who wish they were always in the spotlight, dominant persons at all costs, people who manipulate for personal gain (although most often they present themselves as working for the common good). These divisions have always existed and will exist. Our attempts to avoid such persons will not always “bear fruit.” We can influence how we behave and react in their company so that we can be ourselves. The solution is not to avoid and run away from people who have a bad effect on us … The solution can be simply finding the place in these relationships and so that we can maintain respect for ourselves and your opinions.
Through conversations or at work, we often find ourselves in a situation to talk about personality types of people we meet every day. Popularly speaking, we wave what we should do in these relationships to have less stress, nervousness, to be less touched by their negativity, or simply an incompatibility with such people. Searching and researching, we come across many descriptions, analyzes, divisions from the so-called toxic people, people who always want to be the center of attention. They want to be dominant people at all costs, people who manipulate for personal gain (although they most often present themselves as working for the common good). These divisions have always existed and will exist. Our attempts to avoid such people will not always “bear fruit”. We can influence how we will behave and react in their company so that we will be who we are. The solution is not to avoid and run away from people who are badly affected by us; the solution can be simple to position ourselves properly in those relationships so that we can be respected, by ourselves and others, and that our opinions are valued. By believing in ourselves and respecting ourselves, we will avoid constantly pleasing that one person, trying to satisfy them (especially in a business environment thinking that we need to meet all superiors’ needs). Of course, in that circle and the circle in which you spin, you never really get to that point to meet all the seemingly set expectations.
People in the work environment who make us forget about our qualities and put our self-esteem under the carpet are very subtle in the way that they create an atmosphere as we have never done something good and that there is always that something more that could have been done to be good enough.
Your awareness of the harmful effects of such people’s behavior is the first step in reducing their influence. You certainly can’t change the way they work and function, but you can certainly change the way you react. How to avoid feeling that everything you do is bad and wrong and reduce the feeling of uselessness?
There are many things/situations/events in which the so-called toxic people (although I think they are toxic to you as much as you allow them to be) manipulate people and situations to their advantage. There are several ways to avoid “falling” under the influence of people who can make your day, your job, and in some cases, your life miserable.
One day they are very lovely and loving, and the very next, you wonder what you could have done to upset them so much. Often there is nothing obvious that will explain the change of attitude – just feeling that something is wrong. They could be sad, cold, or wiggly, and when you ask them if something is wrong, the answer will probably be ‘nothing’ – but they will give you just enough to let you know that something exists. ‘Just enough’ could be a sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold conversation. In situations like this, you often try to please the person to make them feel better.
Here is the very essence of this: Stop trying to please them! Understand that decent people will go out of their way to make the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please don’t work or don’t stay very long, maybe it’s time to stop trying to fix the situation. Take a walk and come back when the mood changes. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. If you did something unknowingly and hurt someone, ask, talk about it and apologize if necessary. In any case, you should not guess and think how, what, why, etc.
Next, manipulation. If you feel like only you are contributing to communication, the realization of tasks, you are probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending the vibration that you owe them something. They also often emphasize that they are doing something for you and that the task would not have been done if they had not “jumped in” or taken the initiative. This is especially common in workplaces or in relationships where there is a balance of power. You don’t owe anyone anything. If you didn’t consciously ask for a favor, then that isn’t a favor.
Projection of feelings, especially the bad ones.
Instead of owning to their feelings, they will act as if you are the one spreading negative energy. This is called projection, as when their feelings and thoughts are projected onto you. For example, someone who is angry will not take responsibility for it but asks you why you are angry with them. It can be subtle, like, ‘Is everything ok between us?’ Or something more emphatic: ‘I feel like you’re mad at me?’ or, ‘There’s been a bad atmosphere in our office all day as if everyone is in a bad mood.’
You’ll recognize that in these situations, you often start justifying and defending yourself, and that will often revolve around circles – because it’s not about you. Be clear about what is yours and what is theirs. If you feel like you are defending yourself too many times from accusations or questions that don’t suit your mood, know that it is a projection of feelings and moods. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a false accusation.
The unnecessary imposition of situations in which you need to prove yourself.
They will regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you will always feel obligated to choose him / her / them. In such situations, until you commit to the set of obligations, a “drama” will be happening. ‘If you care about work (or me if it’s a private relationship), you would skip’ what you work/do ‘and devote more time to me or tasks.’ The problem here is that enough will never be enough. There are few things in life, unless life itself, that really cannot wait. Here we are faced with the situation that if the attention is not focused on that person, it turns the situation on you in the sense that you are careless, that you do not focus on work obligations, or that you do not pay enough attention to the relationship you have.
Such people never, but really never, apologize – not from their heart
They will lie before they ever apologize. They will diminish what happened. They will pretend they do not remember … There is no point in arguing. They will distort the story, change the way it happened, and retell it so convincingly that they will believe their nonsense.
People don’t have to apologize if they make an unconscious mistake. And that apology probably means nothing to you. But, in reality, the very act of apology opens the way forward. Don’t give up, but don’t continue the discussion either. Because in the end, the discussion will become a goal in itself, not the very reason for starting it. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy, and you have more important things in life than convincing others that they are wrong. Live life.
Further, with people like this / some, you will never experience sharing joy (or sadness)
No matter how happy your news is, no matter how important an event has happened in your life, there will always find reasons why this event is not unique to you: because someone else has experienced it, done it, achieved it. Simply your good or bad news, for them are not news! Some of the examples you might find yourself in: About some of your business success – ‘Money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll do.’ About a beach holiday – ‘Well, it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go right there? ‘About you becoming the queen of the universe -‘ Well, the universe isn’t that big, you know, and I’m pretty sure you won’t get everything they’re giving in other countries (a bit of irony). Or if someone close to you is ill, you will get the opinion that there was also someone else, so it was resolved, etc. It can be said with almost certainty that empathy in these persons does not exist.
The next example might be when you have an idea that can be very effective
But somehow, simply just because you came up with it, it is not good enough, it is impossible in our environment, it is unnecessary, etc. Don’t let them suppress or diminish your value. Start with your idea realization and prove you can do it.
A common situation, too, can be that some quite ordinary nice words are pronounced in a toxic way, in an inappropriate tone, to the extent that they “disgust” you for the rest of the day.
The message may be naive, but the tone reveals much more. Something like, ‘What were you doing today?’ A simple question that can mean a lot and nothing. The difference is in the tone of what is said. ‘I bet you didn’t do anything – as usual’ or ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was a disaster because … It was awful. But somehow I try not to show it so that I do not disturb the day of others’!!!
Always share your thoughts and your feelings! Don’t let anyone downplay the importance of your good mood, success, or joy, or even sadness and grief.
Lastly, what can affect you the most is condemnation.
We all sometimes make mistakes, but this toxic group of people will make sure you know it, occasionally reminding you not to forget it! He will judge and manipulate your self-esteem by suggesting that this one mistake or assessment will forever remain a stain and a risk for all subsequent obligations, jobs, communications, and etc. We can all be occasionally misunderstood or do something, but if we have not done something that directly affects them, no one has the right to condemn you for it and mention and emphasize it indefinitely.
So, in the end, the only thing that matters is to know and recognize the actions of toxic people, which will make their manipulations harder for them and make your life easier.
Some people can never be satisfied, no matter what you do. And that’s fine, and some won’t be good for you – and a lot of times, it has nothing to do with you. You can always say “no” to unnecessary people or discussions. Be confident and know that we all own our flaws. Let’s be aware of them and correct them yourself. And you don’t have to, but be aware of them.
You don’t need anyone’s approval for a happy life, but remember that if someone is trying to manipulate you, it’s probably because he/she needs your approval.
Autor: Minka
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