The institution of marriage is as old as mankind itself and it is an institution because
we ‘learn’ from it daily.
You learn to tolerate your partners, learn to let go of your ego to maintain your relationship, you learn to be loving, caring, understanding and affectionate, you make blunders, you learn from them, you learn to be a family man and how to raise children.
There is no gainsaying the fact that marriage is the bedrock of mutual and explosive
the understanding between two appreciable adults.
It involves mastering certain complex jostling and courtship games, the rituals and the ceremonies that commemorate the act of marriage, and finally the difficult requirements of domestic life with a husband or wife. It is indeed a hugely detailed round of activity, much more so than getting a job, and yet while many unflinchingly remain unemployed, few remain unmarried.
As the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day, so as you get involved in everyday
association with your spouse, there are bounds to be deadlocks or issues along the
These issues might be primary or secondary. In this light, marriage is not a bed
of roses either, as some roses could get intertwined with thorns and that does not
make them fewer roses, the thorns could be smartly and expertly removed so as to
see the beauty of the rose. We could also take a cue from a rough diamond which
when polished shine even brighter and priceless.
So, what do we do when our Rome is not getting the beauty it deserves or the
thorns on our roses are proving pretty difficult to disentangle or better still when our
rough diamonds are becoming quite elusive to be polished?
Well, a perfect marriage can be likened to a marriage involving two imperfect people
who refused to give up on each other.
The question now is what did we see in each other before we got married?
For me, loving someone should be whole and not in bits. In bits simply means if you
admire or are impressed with a particular trait in your spouse which could be-
physical appearance, intelligence, etc.
What this means is that if that trait is missing, your love diminishes. Loving someone as whole means there is no particular trait and everything about the person suits you.
Countless couples complain of losing the “glimmer” in their relationship.
Some attribute it to evolved differences, a slow-growing apart, or sheer familiarity. The
a wave of “numbness” that can submerge a relationship after the first thrilling months
or years has caused many couples to lose hope and even look elsewhere for the
the excitement of newfound intimacy.
What prompts the change from helpless love to deep disinterest? What made us change from peeping through the window in expectation of our one and only to the shutting of the door as soon as we step out of the house without hesitation? ‘
What turns our heart-racing enthusiasm for another person to boredom and dissatisfaction? To identify the wedge that’s driving couples apart, it’s helpful to understand the
That being said, in an ideal society, we are expected to all get married, except for some rare cases, and getting married is rather a complicated business, concept of the “fantasy fusion.” This illusion of connection and closeness allows [a couple] to maintain an image of love and loving while preserving emotional distance.
As one man who was going through a divorce after seven years of marriage said,
“Growing up I was terrified of being alone, but I also knew that I was afraid of being
close to another person. In a sense, my marriage solved my problem:
My wife was physically ‘there,’ so I did not have to be afraid of being alone anymore, and I acted in ways that kept her at a distance that I could tolerate emotionally.”
When you do take the time to relate to your partner, do you still talk about anything
meaningful? Have conversations become more practical or less friendly? It is important to be open and share our lives with those we love.
In doing so, we really get to know them. We feel for them as people, independently from ourselves. This helps us to stay close to each other on a real level as opposed to out of
It helps us to form and strengthen a friendship that allows us to be less
critical when giving feedback and less defensive when receiving it. All these efforts
nourish our loving feelings, overthrowing cynicism, and upholding our attractions.
When we reach a level of comfort in a relationship,.
We may tend to care a little less about how we look and how we take care of ourselves. We may be more likely to act out without regard or consideration for the ways we not only hurt our partners but ourselves.
‘We may gain weight or engage in unhealthy habits, drinking more or
exercising less. These habits are not just acts of comfort. They are often ways of
protecting ourselves from sustained closeness. They often serve to shatter our self-
esteem and push our partners away.
They also tend to have a deadening effect on our relationship, weakening our confidence and vitality. When we form a fantasy of fusion with another person, we tend to eventually lose some of our physical attraction to that person. Relying on someone to take care of us
or looking to them to complete us puts a heavy burden on our relationship.
We start to see the person as an extension of ourselves, and within that framework, we lose some of that “chemistry” that drew us to them. When we view our partners as the
independent and attractive individuals they are, we can keep a fresh level of
excitement and affection for them.
When you look at your relationship, can you recognize the ways you and your partner
step on each other’s boundaries? Do you speak as “we” instead of “him or her” and
“I?” Maintaining our separateness and pursuing what particularly lights us up is the
best way to be ourselves in our relationships.
Communication remains the key to re-kindling an already dent marriage,
communicate more, and be open-minded. Do not expect your partner to read your
Arguments and disagreements are healthy in a relationship so long as it is not
allowed to go beyond the ordinary and we can also use it as another form of
Honesty is another key ingredient to help spark that marriage back to its old days,
take time to give him or her a treat. Plan secret dates for each other and get your
hearts racing together. Let us not forget to share secrets with our spouses as they
could come back to hurt us. Show him or her that she is well-loved, and life would
not be complete without them.
Most importantly, pray for guidance and God almighty who sees in secret will always
show you the right things to do and he speaks to us in different ways.